Monday, February 18, 2013

A discovery

I am very grateful for sunshine, flowers, meadows, my friends, dreams, clouds, stories, oak trees, mornings, hope, lace, my family and my boyfriend, gifts, giving, poetry, lemons, lavender, honey, pie, and the list goes on.

Yes, this is a completely random list of things that floated off the top of my head. It feels good for once to focus on positive things that actually do bring me peaceful feelings. Peace and positivity weren't emotions I had felt for too long of a time. During that time I had so much to express about my pain, and my fear and anxiety. So many songs, so many words and emotions flowing through me constantly. I was basically an expressive machine. Once I had produced all I could within me, I lost the ability to communicate my feelings. A heavy drought came upon me and I lacked the words, melody, and form to communicate. It was fine though. It wasn't bad, really. I said what was needed to say. I "spoke my peace", and I was done.

These days I am feeling something I was not quite so used to before, hope. Hope feels so good! Not to be cheesy. I feel so strong and confident in myself! When I first started feeling hopeful, I felt a small relapse almost, and actually felt somewhat guilty and fearful at the same time. I had a feeling of, "What new badness will come of this joy?". Then I really started to be honest with this new-found discovery. Maybe, quite possibly, I could deserve this. This could really be a part of who I am now. I decided to accept it. My life is not perfect by any means, but by accepting this hope my dreams seam more possible. My body has also developed more strength to persevere as well. Maybe I can do anything! I feel so urged to go forth into life and really feel the warmth of the sunshine, pick fresh flowers, nap on meadows, spend quality time with my friends! Yes, and also getting to know new friends. I have always been shy and afraid but there is so much yearning inside of me to know others that I don't always act upon because I am awkward and fearful. I know, it is stupid. I just need to be braver. I really want to know others though, and actually know them. The online world is so strange sometimes and it can make me upset because you can be anyone online but I love truth and honesty and realness. It is the most important thing in the world when you get to know someone.

Anyhow, from where I last left off, I want to keep dreaming, relax under a big shady tree, wake up early in the morning and enjoy the newness of the day, plant a garden and eat delicious food that I grew and that isn't killing my body! I want to explore lovely places, eat lunch on a mountain top, find baby animals and play with them! And most importantly, trying to stay hopeful even if doom is to come upon me at any time. Life is so short and us living and breathing is the most important thing in the world. I just want to appreciate the moment and not take it for granted.

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